Daisy

Well, this week's been really hard on me. I'm still thinking about Donald, like - all the time. And, I got to thinking about what you and I were talking about last time...about how I've spent half my life just hanging around. I just can't reconcile my position in life. My role. And - you know, my fear of being ...disgarded.

I realize by keeping a low profile, I keep him in my life. I've lasted longer than the others! I guess that's just a rationalization. He only uses me when she's not around. Secretly.



Who does that Reach think she is anyway? She told me it was just a matter of time. I'm usually pretty sharp. Who asked her? She's been in his mouth, sure! Why does she have to lord it over me? It's not like I'm obligated to... whatever. Sorry. Don't get me started on my repressed rage towards his towels.

I know I need to love myself. But. Sometimes I think it would be great if I did just get tossed. I've seen it happen over and over again, to each one of my sisters, my mother. The same inevitable cycle. Just to get tossed in a matter of weeks. Worse, days. I just don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to be disposable. Did I just contradict myself?



Sorry. Stay with this? OK. How am I feeling? Well. Rage. Quiet rage. Why should I accept that it's a Mach 3 world! But then see! My feelings will never count. I'm not cutting edge, too dull. He thinks I'm just a dime a dozen.

I was tender and smooth with him, in ways I've never been. And everytime I think of the way he holds me. So tentative. So gentle. I'm so close to his lips. The way I stroke his face.

But GOD! The way he treats me. I never told you this before Dr. Kenstel...he...Ohhh...he beat my head against the sink once, when he was done with me. Maybe it IS just a matter of time before it happens again. He's just got this GRIP on me. This hold. I mean his hair. His voice. Just one "Your Fired", sends me over the edge. Ohhh. There's so much! He's just so much! It's almost too much to take on. He leaves a little piece of him with me each time. That's all I have. Proper*.



I don't really know what I would say to him. If he were right here in front of me. I am terrified of when he's going to let me go... I TRIED TO WRITE HIM THAT LETTER YOU SUGGESTED, BUT I ... I COULDN'T!

*See: proper