Thursday, August 31, 2006


You know Mercury and Jupiter,
And Saturn and Venus,
Mars, Earth, Neptune,
And there's always - Uranus!
But do you recall,
The most famous Planet of all?

Pluto the Dwarfed Planet,
Had a shiny moon named Charon!
And if you ever saw him,
You would surely say - he'd come undone.

All of the other Planets,
Used to laugh and call him "LAME",
They barely let poor Pluto even
get to keep his name!

Then one sultry August day,
Walters came to say,
"Pluto, with your radius so slight...
and about that rumor -- that you're gay?"

"I'm a Trans-Neptunian OBJECT!"
Pluto shouted out with glee,
"With my... MY looks and eccentric orbit,
Babsy, those bitches are hi...stor...y!"

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A Year In The Life -





The year I peaked.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Done been eatin' chocolates!

Jill Carroll rocked the Casbah folks! Eating bon-bons! Charming in her Burka (excuse me- Hijab)! Gracious in her torturous, Oprah-laced confinement! Reaching out to her captors!

Just love her! Doubt not - she is the product of a good upbringing. Give this girl a lifetime supply of chocolates!

If Jill Carroll keeps delighting me with her narrations - CSM,
then she may very certainly replace this gal:

as my personal pick for "Mammaries The Size Of Manatees". GO!!

I can't wait for her movie - of course.

A true "Savannah Smiles" of our times!

Reader. Allow me to divert you, for the moment, from this sweet tribute. I must reveal that - as I am profoundly taken with the easy courage of our "suavant" and even tempered heroine - I am in a state of juxtaposed inspiration. For you should know that, now, at the very apogee of summer, I have been forced into planning my own kidnapping escapade. And I may not take just one "H#0***s%t@@gE!!!

There are many roads I am prepared to travel alone.


I understand it would be hard to convince someone to join me in a whirlwind tour of:

North Korea.

Even more herculean a task, perhaps, would be to persuade someone to accompany me to "Invincible".

I will never understand the cosmic torture, however, of being forced to go here - Splish Splash - alone.


So. I'm going to start taking prisoners...

Friday, August 04, 2006

Wall Drug/Late Summer '79

Decades ago, I went on a road trip with the infamous - Klaus Kinski. Bound west, from Rapid City, South Dakota... We blasted down the highway, and talked much. We eagerly awaited a round of shopping and one in a series of memorial services, in the Badlands, for my long since deceased black-footed ferret, Dottie.

KLAUS: ...OK. So... I was in an apartment, and next door, they put on the radio, so I struck the wall with my fist, but they did not put the radio down. I took a tool and banged until I made a hole through the wall. It was like a comedy movie.

A. RANDALL: That's not how it goes! YOU are the one with the radio up, your neighbors knock on YOUR wall, and you say "GO Around!!!!" ... If you want to tell Hedberg jokes, you must not screw them up so!

(By the age of eleven, Mitch Hedburg had already proven himself to be a most quotable star. In some circles...)

KLAUS: MmmmmmmmmahhhhH! I feel this thing coming up in myself, just really physically growing in myself and happening, but it is a jungle, so I can't distinguish things. Being conscious of all this means changing everything, like in nature; never-ending movement.

A. RANDALL: Well, I'm sure they have a bathroom at Wall. Pull yourself together. And when we get in there, don't expect ANYONE to know what you're talking about if you go on and on... You have to just approach a cashier, and calmly use these words: "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?". OK?

KLAUS: But words - words are not enough!

I remember at that point, he grabbed me by the throat.

KLAUS: What a consolation for cripples. Yes, sometimes, spontaneously bringing words out can be outscreams of joy or pain.

A. RANDALL: gr&%^$ddllllechluchluhchluh!

KLAUS: Don't be sorry, OK?

We drove along in silence, for a few seconds.

KLAUS: Faster! Can't you see there is someone behind us? Why do you go so slow? Just go!

A. RANDALL: In America, cars can pass when they...

KLAUS: Don't keep mixing in these other things. It only confuses.

A. RANDALL: OK. Let's have fun now, Klaus. Chillax. We are on a ROAD TRIP!

KLAUS: Fun? There is no fun.


The tumbleweed seemed to compound.

KLAUS: You look at me like I am crazy. I am completely destroyed. I am dying of hunger. I am like a wild animal who is behind bars. I need air! I need space! I am not the Jesus of the official church tolerated by those in power. I am not your superstar. I didn't choose solitude.

A. RANDALL: Oh my god! We haven't listened to JCS since Ohio. And anyway, how rude! To act like I'm not even driving your ass to California! And I don't think you could find a more wide and open expanse of air from which to gulp! Klaus! Just look where we are!! Harumph. To act like some ghostdriver is just hauling you...

KLAUS: Once, I took a taxi. I hate those limousines. They stink and their drivers have been driving dead people to the cemeteries...



After reaching the store's interior, Klaus managed to relieve himself. He then, reassumed his position alongside me. We merrily browsed. He was prompted somehow, through the vigorous unfolding and refolding of woolen Indian rugs, to launch into yet another myopic monologue:

KLAUS: I didn't think anything. I just WAS Aguirre!!! You remember yourself in the 16th Century. I don't need anybody to tell me how to be alive. I don't want to talk too much about myself. I feel like I am breaking out, breaking up, receiving everything, every moment, even things I did not see. There is no turning back from this. I had to be this person!! As I was led to doing it, there was then no way back. And the more I tried to do it, the more I HATED it. I knew there were, in myself, the souls of millions of people who lived centuries ago; not just people but animals, plants, the elements, things, even, matter. All of these exist in me... Once I was walking through the streets of Paris. I started crying, because I could look at a man, a woman, a dog, anything, and receive it- there was no difference between physical and psychological. The truth is, I can never die. For I will be in everything and see you in everything and watch over you. I am your reaction in the water of a mountain lake. There can be no word to express this secret. Because this secret is very simple, but it includes almost everything. Put a bird cage near the window so that the bird can see the sky? It's much better to look than not to, even if it hurts. Since I was born I have been like this, till today. Nothing changed. Sometimes my heart hurts so much, I beat it with my fists. I try to run. But you cannot run from this - it waits for you. Even when you think you have escaped it, it is there!!! HA! This is not a choice. There is not a why. Even looking at the ocean is not liberty. It is like a wounded bird looking at the sky and saying, "Why are my wings broken?". Look at THIS bird. Why does he fly to the left? Why? AHHHHHGH! They hammer, they hammer; it is unbearable. That is why you have to go away. They hammer everywhere! They hammer in your brain! Hell, these idiots, they come with their hammer, where people are sitting, to HAMMER!!!!!! They say, Good job. Do you say, Good job to an earthquake?

A. RANDALL: Well! Torturous reelings like that are the crux of your charm... If not, the seeds of your dramatic power.

KLAUS: I make movies for money, exclusively for money.

We continued the discussion, outside on the jackalope...

A. RANDALL: Honesty plus money... equals freedom! I remember! I DO listen, Klaus!

KLAUS: I never said money is freedom! I said money buys freedom. BUYS! What does that mean, money is freedom? This is ridiculous: Money is freedom. It means nothing. I sell myself for the highest price. Exactly like a prostitute. There is no difference.

A. RANDALL: Let's get our stuff and go check-out.


After some time in the check-out line...

KLAUS: I will NEVER be next!

A. RANDALL: Shhhhhhhhh.

KLAUS: The people keep coming!! It is like those vines called lianas, those tropical creepers that grow around you and strangle you. You cut off one branch, but there is another that grows.

A. RANDALL: Look! Little lip gloss tins! Remember these! Oh! Vanilla! You want one? A manly flavor like - Root Beer?

KLAUS: Ha!!!! It is the Nobel Prize I want. It's worth $300,000.

A. RANDALL: Whatever. OK. Look! We ARE next!

A. RANDALL: Ratfink! Did she just give you back too much change?

KLAUS: One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real.

A. RANDALL: Sheesh! Robbing from the world's greatest private retailer? You should have told her she made a mistake!

KLAUS: People who do not see the terrible things therefore do not see the beautiful things, either. I do not pity her.

A. RANDALL: How can you live with yourself Klaus?

KLAUS: I do not know. The dimensions of my feelings are so violent!

A. RANDALL: YAY! I got some bargains! I did, too! Look!

KLAUS: What do you think, that a dollar in a savings account is freedom? Maybe you have understood nothing I have said.

A. RANDALL: " A dollar in the hand, is worth two in the bush..."

KLAUS: You are trying to make me sound like an American average citizen.

A. RANDALL: Shall we hit the road?

KLAUS: You leap over the wall of one ghetto and find yourself in another ghetto. You, you don't talk. What is it you want to say? We will go to the ocean. You will drive. You must go on the road. Now, just go! GO! Change the radio!!!! The news. I don't need this. I have never listened to it, never in my life.

So. There you have it. A fun, if slightly exhausting, segment of the halcyon adventure I once had with Klaus. It pretty much went on like that, until we made it to Pebble Beach.

The arguments really were the best part.

Dude was hardcore.

(For all quote needs: quotes)

Tuesday, August 01, 2006