An Open Letter:

January 4, 2007

Dearest **Edward*James*Olmos**,

Forgive me for reaching you “out of the blue” like this. However, I could not restrain myself from taking plume to parchment. This urgency is no doubt provoked by the turn of the New Year, and my approaching age of “electability”. (Though certainly, not FAST approaching…)

No doubt, you remember, as well as I do, that night in Chapel Hill, North Carolina – back in ‘97. You had given a rousing speech on the need for the inspired education and inclusion of minorities in America with, I recall, much emphasis on the need for similar improvements in Mexico. I wish I could remember more from your speech. But, you see, I can only really remember ONE thing you said that night. And it was to me, Ashley Shompke. (Actually, to you - Ashley SCHRONCH! Ashley SPROCKEY! Ashley SCROPOCE!)

When we parted ways, you cried out a prophecy that once inspired me to no fathomed end. Now, ten years later, I hate to reveal, it does nothing so much more as haunt and torment me. The certainty with which you declared that I, “Ashley SPROCKEY”, would become the “first female President”, lifted me on snow white wings... for a couple of years.

But, something happened.

As a matter of fact, a series of endless “somethings” have happened with such forcefulness - that I find I am barely capable of explaining to you how frightfully unfit I am, for the position of “First Female President of The United States of America “. There is a chance that I could pull my act together by the time I’m 35. Afterall, that is very, very, very far from now. But, unlike you, I have no faith in prophecy. That is not to say that I do not believe in God, in a very certain and adorable way. (So. I am not unsuitable in all regards.)

However, my belief in Church is as frightfully low as my belief in State. How did this happen? There are not, as some insist,
and I'm sure you follow, just the two roads to journey. The one traveled and the one not... the one fueled by faith and delusion and the one by industry…

There was a detritic cone pile in Russia I traveled, while being chased by four Rottweilers and one - Cocker Spaniel. There was that cravass ridden Khumbu Icefall, that required leaping over…There may, or may not, have been a witchdoctor guiding me towards a light in Timor...There was certainly a trip with a swamp rabbit...There was Crow Pass, part of the old Iditarod trail, to bear call through…The flooded Rios: Futeleufu, Youghiogheny, and Kosi to drown in…Pastoral, mock fox hunting runs to - absolutely nowhere… I too made a very loud donkey noise - during a very quiet jazz set on the Upper West Side... There were guided strolls through Ngorongoro Crater…Somewhere in there, I choked on a pretzel and sold my Purple Heart on ebay... There was a cow path my companion and I traveled in India for three days that lead to many untapped revelations. There was also much Bhang Lassi. These were completely legal and delightful to consume in Varanassi (while contributing to only a few tourist poisonings); but this could not possibly translate well, on my application for employment as Commander in Chief.

Edward, it is now that I must be completely honest with your kind and hopeful heart. While parts of the marijuana plant may very well be legal for intake in India, and some corners of Alaska…and even as it grows like the common dandelion in Russia…

Never one to enjoy not being the bringer of my own bad news, I should also be the first to inform you : Once, after following your call to help improve education for minorities in America, while I was teaching Special Ed (...and, oh, how we know what a “disability” it is to speak E as a SL!) I accidentally “gave” a cigarette to a six foot tall, three hundred pound, Samoan girl. (In my defense, she seemed MUCH older than 13, and it was clear that she was going to get that cigarette - no matter what.)

I guess it’s a wash at this point. This is just one area where I fall below expectation. I am perfectly qualified in every other capacity. Yet, my potted head is solemnly hung. My deathbed thoughts will be drunk with the regret of having disappointed you so gravely.

I don’t want you to worry about me though! As I described above, there are many roads! Be comforted!

I will soon find much success and renown as : an inventor!

Of : a dog leash!

In closing, I am forced to request, and with complete humility, that you please revoke my potential nomination, for the sake of the world ---- and your very own good name!

With infinite respect and admiration,
A.R. Schprokey